You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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