All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
