im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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