apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
