Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
