I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
