so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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