i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
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