I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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