I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
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True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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