my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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