the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i believe in u and ur pee
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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