Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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