and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
