I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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