Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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