it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
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I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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