To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
