THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
