I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
