my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
