I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize