I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
