Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
