Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
