i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
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Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
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The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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