Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
