you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
