I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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