u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
