I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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