you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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