I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
