I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
