Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i dont even know how to be here
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
