I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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