god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
