I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The beer is more important than you right now.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
