remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
