Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
