remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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