We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Too much gin, very little bucket
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
