the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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