i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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