then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
