I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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