I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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