I accidentally had phone sex last night
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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