Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
