12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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