ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
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When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
it's like heaven, but drunker
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
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I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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