3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
