i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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