i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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