I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
